I’m So Vain

“God does not see the same way people see. People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.” ~ 1 Samuel 16:7 (NCV)

Last summer, after I spent a week in Nicaragua, I made a conscious decision to stop being so strict about my mostly healthy diet.

I don’t remember exactly what I was thinking then. Perhaps I was thinking that life is simply too short. Perhaps I wanted to kickstart my lagging, middle-aged metabolism. Perhaps I wanted to eat extra calories with the hope I would add some extra muscle to my small frame. Perhaps I wanted to enjoy some coconut fudge cheesecake ice cream.

Or perhaps it was a little of all those things.

Whatever the reason, I began to eat foods I hadn’t eaten for years. Guilt free.

And I enjoyed every bite.

Too much of a good thing

Because I’ve never really weighed more than a certain amount, I assumed that magic number/certain amount would be where the weight gain would stop.

It didn’t.

I continued to gain. The gains slowed down after the first 8-10 fifteen pounds, but they kept going nonetheless. Even though I was exercising.

Instead of the 5 to 10 pounds I thought I would gain, I ended up gaining nearly 20 pounds…

And I am still there.

In spite of my best efforts, in spite of a resolution to start losing, I am still there.

I hate it.

Vanity, thy name is Brenda

I never realized how vain I was how vain I am…

Until I hit a certain number on the scale and a clothing size that was unfamiliar territory.

My husband says I am not fat. He says nobody would look at me and say I’m overweight…

Well, maybe “nobody” WOULD say it, but my bathroom scale did.

One day, I looked down at the scale and an unfamiliar icon showed up on the screen.

It is a stick figure of a fat woman…

And I realized my scale thinks I’m overweight, too.

Little does it know (or care!) how that makes me feel.

I feel old.

I’m the same person inside… I still love God. And His people. And His Word.

But I don’t feel like the same person.

I feel old.

And THAT is a big problem for me. I liked the person I was last summer. Not only the person on the inside. I liked my outsides, too….

I felt twenty years younger.

And my knees didn’t hurt when I run. And my thighs didn’t rub together. And my clothes fit.

How low can I go?

A few weeks ago I declined an on-air television interview because of my embarrassment about my appearance.

Ouch.

As an introvert, I never feel particularly comfortable being interviewed on television. However, I’ve done a number of interviews and survived.

This time, I refused to do the interview.

And the nonprofit I represent lost a chance for some much-needed publicity.

I think God was a little disappointed in me that day. That’s the day He began reminding me of 1 Samuel 16:7. No doubt He was willing to overlook the outside, but He didn’t like what was on the inside, either. I had put my vanity ahead of His purpose. His ministry.

Oops.

I’ve prayed to God to bring me contentment. I want to feel at peace where I am now. I really do…

But it just isn’t happening.

God has allowed me plenty of time to adjust to the new me. He has been very patient with my ego. He has extended me plenty of grace.

I’m not sure what lesson He wants me to learn, but He must have me in this place for a reason…

Because although I have tried cutting calories and increasing my activity from what it was while I was gaining, I am stuck.

Stuck.

I weigh the same as I did three months ago. And five pounds more than I weighed when I first vowed to lose at least 10 pounds of the excess weight.

At least I stopped gaining… but I’m not losing, either.

And I’m not adjusting to my new body. Or my new face. Or my new age.

And I literally have nothing to wear.

“God began doing a good work in you, and I am sure he will continue it…”

Hey, God. It’s me. Change me. Help me.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Love always, Your favorite baby girl.